Avengers Party Round the World
by DeadWoman
Summary: it's the avengers...and they're partying...round the world...Disclaimer: all Marvel, except my OC's
1. Chapter 1

_Okay this is the Avengers traveling round the world. Not for SHIELD, just because they're bad ass. Enjoy and please review ideas of places they can visit and things to do! I'd love to stay and chat but I have a fan fiction to start!_

Bruce knew that Tony was excited about something ever since last week when Tony locked himself and Pepper in one of the numerous studies and requested absolute privacy. They had come out, Pepper irritated and Tony positively bouncing off the walls. Now Tony had called a meeting and Bruce was sat, reading a book, on the sofa. Steve was reading a car magazine (his new passion) and Thor was playing Flappy Bird. Natasha and Clint were comparing fighting techniques on the floor. Natasha would whack Clint on the arm and Clint would retaliate with a swift kick.

Finally Tony came in, beaming. "Avengers! Loyal friends! Amazing superheroes! I have a proposition!"

"What is it?" Natasha frowned. "Last time you suggested installing a swimming pool so and I quote 'maybe we and you, Nat, could go skinny-dipping'."

"My arm still hurts." Tony pouted.

"It was three weeks ago, Stark, don't be a wimp." Clint backed up his best friend. Natasha grinned at him.

"Anyway we are doing a gap year!"

"What's a gap year?" Steve and Thor chorused.

"Uh, a gap year is when people take a year out of college or university to travel round the world." Pepper explained. "Tony, here, is suggesting that you six go traveling. He invited me but I declined because I would rather personally burn my wardrobe than go traveling for a year or two with Tony and no offense, you lot."

"Some offense taken." Bruce said.

"This gap year sounds interesting." Steve mulled over it then smiled. "I want to do it!"

"It should be okay." Natasha shrugged.

"I could get laid in every country!" Clint said enthusiastically.

"Let us go!" Thor boomed.

"The sight-seeing would be phenomenal. We could visit the wonders of the world, rainforests, go trekking through deserts, live in Indian slums..." Bruce said.

Tony stared at him. "Uh."

"What?"

"I think Tony was more thinking of drinking in Greece and seducing English women than sight-seeing and trekking." Pepper smirked then stretched. "I'll go book the first flight. To?"

"I'm not sure. Any requests?" Tony asked.

Natasha raised her hand. "As the only girl on this trip, may I have the first country?"

"Girl?" Clint said. Natasha nudged him and he fell over.

"England." Natasha said. "London. We could go to Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and I really like the accent."

"English birds are the best." Clint said.

"When have you ever been to England?" Natasha replied with a frown. "In all the time I've known you..."

"Both sexually and as 'partners'," Tony interrupted.

"Dude. Nothing sexual between me and Spider here." Clint told him. Natasha grunted as confirmation then continued.

"We have NEVER been to England."

"Yeah but-"

"No, Hawk butt."

"Eye."

"Aye? Is that agreement of the trip?" Tony said then looked at Bruce. "Brucie?"

"Sure. Aye."

"Thor?"

"Fun!"

"I'll take that as a yes. Stevie, darling?"

Steve flushed. "Yes."

"Ooh, now I think Tony and Stevie darling have known each other sexually." Clint winked. "Donned some tight leather pants and gone to Steve's room late at night, eh, Stark?"

"Shut up, Barton."

"That's not denial."

"You didn't deny the fact that I saw you creep into Natasha's room yesterday and came out with a very happy smile."

"You didn't see that."

"I did."

"Stark..."

"Yes?"

"JARVIS do I have permission to murder him?"

"I'm not sure-"

"Don't bring JARVIS into this."

"Why? New boyfriend?"

"Ha, he should be so lucky."

"Dating a robot wouldn't be the worst sexual escapade you've ever done. May I mention uh Janice?"

"You may not."

"Who's Janice?"

"Stay out of this, Stevie."

"Ooh Stevie!"

Tony glared at Clint and Clint innocently smiled back.

"The sexual tension between you two." Thor shook his head and gave a loud laugh.

"Thor!" Bruce told him off. "Language!"

"Ooh Thor baby!" Clint squealed. Tony laughed softly and with a glance at each other, Tony and Clint forgave each other.

"This should be fun." Natasha sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

**_The Budapest bit isn't related to my one-shot, What Happens in Budapest. What Happened in Budapest in this chapter is different._**

**"****We****'****re driving to the airport to get to England" 1st January 9am **

"Happy new year." Tony hugged Bruce as Bruce came into the kitchen, dragging his suitcase. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, are you?" Bruce eyed Tony's pajamas.

"Uh yeah. I kind of packed all my clothes already. These are my scruffy pajamas."

"Idiot. Do you want to borrow some clothes?"

"Yes please." Tony said sheepishly. "Do you have anything I would wear?"

"I have a suit." Bruce offered.

"Hmm, what color?"

"Green."

"Ew."

"I don't think you can be picky, Stark. Besides green might cheer you up a bit. You look like death cooled down." A voice said and Tony jumped. Clint jumped off the top of the fridge and smirked. "How idiotic can you be to forget to leave yourself clothes for today?"

"I-Pepper normally does my packing."

"Where is she?"

"Las Vegas. She went on holiday with her friends for a month yesterday."

"So, you didn't pack until yesterday?"

"We only decided a week ago!" Tony glared at him. Clint grinned and stole Tony's coffee.

"Go get into the Hulk suit then, Stark."

...

Natasha hated car rides when she wasn't driving or in the front. Since Tony had called shotgun and Clint wanted to drive, she was stuck in the back, listening to them regularly change the radio, Tony insulting Clint's driving and Clint thinking up new nicknames for Tony. Thor and Bruce were discussing England and gap years and Steve was daydreaming, staring out of the window.

She was bored.

This was an almost unknown state to her. On the SHIELD airship, she could always train or talk to a SHIELD agent. In the Avengers Tower, she always chatted to someone or trained or had long arguments with Clint that ended in a board game to settle the argument. Normally she would read but reading in the car made her sick.

"Nat?" Clint called out, perhaps guessing her state.

"Yeah?" she perked up. Clint looked at her, causing the minivan they hired to swerve dangerously. Steve closed his eyes and muttered under his breath.

"Do you want to play a game?"

"What game?"

"Truths." Tony interjected.

"What's Truths?" Thor and Steve asked.

"You ask someone a question and they have to answer it truthfully. If they refuse to answer it, they have to strip." Tony said, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Tony!" Bruce protested. "Why don't we not do strip Truths and just do a forfeit instead?"

"That takes all the fun out of it." Tony said. "I'll go first, okay? Whoever has a good question for someone goes. Steve," the billionaire turned to the unsuspecting super soldier.

"What?"

"Have you ever had sex?"

"Tony!" Steve sighed then took off his shoe. "I refuse to answer that absurd question."

"We all know the answer to that, Stark, that was a rubbish question." Clint said. "I'm going to ask Thor. Thor, have you ever been to a gay club and if yes, what happened there?"

Thor flushed angrily. "It was a mistake, Barton, and you know that."

"What happened?" Natasha asked.

"Barton and Stark," Here Tony giggled, "made me go into a male club. They told me that it was so I could make male friends outside of them. And then, I did make friends. He was a delightful black man who was the same height as me!"

"Ooh delightful." Clint grinned.

"We went back to his place and then-" Thor looked at them and frowned. "I forfeit telling you the remainder."

"But you just got to the juicy part!" Tony complained.

"No." Thor took off his purple zip-up hoodie. "I refuse to answer."

"I have a question for Thor." Tony said. "What happened with you and Zelda that time?"

"Who's Zelda?" Steve asked, his cheeks still red but otherwise recovered from his question.

"A lovely drag queen outside of our building who Thor took a liking to."

Steve and Bruce laughed while Thor took off his shoe.

"I have a question for Natasha and Clint. Whatever did happen in Budapest?" Steve asked. There was deathly silence.

Clint made the minivan go faster down the highway. Natasha started muttering in Russian.

"Каконпосмелспросить. Суперидиот." she scowled.

"What does that mean?" Bruce asked.

"Never you mind." Natasha said.

Clint grinned at her, knowing some Russian words.

"She said how dare he ask, super idiot." Clint translated. She flashed him a smile and decided to test his Russian as they stopped in traffic.

"Будапештстроголичное, междумнойиБартон, теперь, пожалуйста, неспрашивайтеобэтомсноваилиистреблюваснамиллионмаленькихкусочков."

"She said something about Budapest. And a threat. I heard cut and pieces." Clint said.

Steve paled and shut up as Clint pulled into the private runway where Tony's private plane sat.

"I could get used to this." Natasha said.

_I used Google translate for the Russian. It loosely translates to this : Budapest is strictly private, between me and Barton, now please do not ask about it again or I will cut you into a million little pieces. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the reviews of ideas! I'll be using them after this chapter! **

"Welcome to England." Rhodey said to Tony as the plane landed and the door opened. "It's no America weather-wise but it's okay."

"I heard that England was warm today." Tony said then stepped outside and almost died with shock. "I-it's c-cold!" he shivered.

"Wimp!" Clint scoffed and stepped outside the warm plane. He turned to them, face screwed up in disgust. "Why is England so c-cold?"

"You're too soft. You're used to American winters. English winters are a thousand times worse." Bruce told them. He was wearing a padded coat and gloves. "Once when I was Hulk, I ended up in England and I woke up with pneumonia from the rain and cold so I always bring a coat, even in Summer."

"Who told you England was warm today?" Steve asked Tony.

"The news! English news said that England was warmer than usual. I thought that meant sunny."

"Ha, a typical English winter is under ten degrees Celsius and sometimes under 0." Rhodey explained. Tony looked out the plane in horror.

Natasha laughed and without a coat, walked out of the plane and down the steps with hesitating.

"This isn't as cold as Russia." she said and looked up at them. "Come on, we need to go to our hotel."

...

They were staying at a bed and breakfast in Lancashire to get the full authentic England experience. Natasha and Bruce were sharing a room because she trusted him not to be weird and make comments (unlike the rest of them). Thor and Steve shared a room and Clint and Tony were left, arguing with each other as usual.

"I want the bed by the window!" Tony said.

"Why?"

"Because then I can look out of it and be creative."

"Maybe I need to be creative."

"You don't have a creative bone in your body, Hawk."

"I do! I write!"

"What? Text messages?"

"That's not an insult!"

"Romantic text messages to Nat?"

"That's not true!"

"Why did you come out of her room the other day with a smile?"

"Oh for God's sake! I went in and we had a shot battle because we were bored."

"Aw that's boring."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. That the spider and the hawk are dating?"

""No. We're not." Clint glared at him and Tony glared back.

"Okay! Okay! You have the bed near the window!" Tony said.

Clint gave a smug smile and sat down on it. A second later, the bed collapsed and Clint was bombarded with springs and broken wood.

Tony smiled then gave a small laugh then, by the time the others had raced in, he was crying from laughter.

"You planned this didn't you?" Clint scowled and tried to move. "I'm stuck!"

"I did not plan it." Tony said. "But my revenge prank is done so that requires no effort. That's good."

Natasha looked at her partner and grinned. "You inconsiderable idiotic man."

Thor boomed with laughter and Steve managed a small smile at Clint's expense. Bruce helped Clint out of the bed ruins.

"There we go. Now can we go shopping?" Bruce asked.

...

They went to a big shopping center in Manchester and looked round before Tony approached an information booth. "Excuse me? Have you got any designer shops? Like Armani?" he asked.

"I don't think so." the man there said and Tony felt horribly American against his posh accent. Well, English accent. They all sounded posh against Americans.

"Oh that's awesome. I'll just go..." Tony grabbed a map and looked at it. "Build-A-Bear sounds fun."

...

Ten minutes later, the Avengers were in Build-A-Bear, surrounded by limp bear carcasses and children. Thor was looking excited and led them over to the unstuffed bears. He picked up a yellow dog and grinned. "I'll call it Sif."

Tony got a monkey, Bruce a green bear, Steve a white bear, Clint a black cat and Natasha a bright orange tiger.

Thor put his dog in a purple dress and a helmet then went to officially name it Sif.

Tony dressed his monkey in a red dress with a gold beanie hat and called it Pepper.

Bruce dressed his bear in a tuxedo and named it Jarvis.

Steve called his Bucky and after some consideration, dressed it in an army outfit with a cowboy hat.

Clint called his cat Budapest and dressed it in a white dress. Tony said it looked like a wedding dress then stared at him. "Did you two get _married _in Budapest?"

"No!"

"What you sounding so annoyed at?" Natasha walked up to them with her tiger, Spider, dressed in a tight black body suit and spider antennae headband.

"Nothing." Tony grinned and paid for the bears. Thor had picked up a few dresses for "Sif" and as a prank, Clint had stuffed a brown bear, bought it an eyepatch and named it Nick Fury, so he bought that.

Once they were in Nando's, Bruce got out the Fury bear and looked at it suspiciously. "What are you going to do with the bear?"

"Send it up to the airship." Clint said. "Press the paw."

Bruce did. "I LOVE YOU FURY! I LOVE YOU FURY! I LOVE YOU FURY!" The bear yelled in a squeaky voice and Bruce blushed in embarassment.

"Great joke."

"And the other paw."

"FURY BE MY FURRY BEAR! FURY BE MY FURRY BEAR! FURY BE MY FURRY BEAR!" the bear screeched. Clint laughed as the bear started moving its arms and yelling FURY! over and over.

"Isn't it hilarious?"

"Great." Natasha rolled her eyes and took a bite of her extra spicy burger with chips. Her eyes started watering. "Ah! Ah! Spicy!"

"Romanoff, here is Coke!" Thor said and threw her a bottle. It landed on her lap, the lid came undone and it went everywhere.

"You idiot!" Natasha squealed whilst being sprayed by coke. Steve got a lot of it and started spluttering as he hated it.

Once the spray had stopped, they got escorted out and Tony bundled them all on a train. "We're going to London." he announced. "I've booked a bus tour."

...

Five hours later, the Avengers stood, shivering, as they waited to board the bus. After Natasha drove them, with super speed, to London and they bought some scones and cream, they went to the bus stop near Buckingham Palace where the bus would arrive.

When the bus did come screeching into the stop, Thor leapt forward and boomed "Let my friends on first! We saved you all from my evil brother!"

The Avengers went to the open-top of the bus and all sat down. Tony, Clint, Steve and Natasha were sat in the four seater at the back and Thor dragged Bruce to the front despite Bruce's protests of feeling sick ("the scones didn't agree with me!")

"Hey Tony, guess what?" Clint nudged the billionaire. "A bird shit on your coat."

"What!" Tony quickly got out of his coat. Clint cackled, grabbed it and threw it off the bus. Tony stared at him. "What the Hulk was that for?"

"Decontaminating the coat." Clint said.

Tony turned to Steve. "Aren't you going to defend me?"

Steve stared then looked at Natasha. She sighed. "I'm not your mother!" she complained but at Steve's pleading look, said "Clint give Tony your coat."

Clint did and Natasha closed her eyes for a break as the bus swerved round the streets. Crazy driving was only fun when she did it.

...

At the end of the bus tour, she looked at Tony and asked, "Кудадальше?"

Tony frowned. "What does that mean?"

"Where to next?"

**Yep, sue me, I used google translate again for the Russian. Sorry if it's wrong! I'll be using it a lot for the language of other countries. I think that, as spies and agents of SHIELD, Nat and Clint would travel a lot so know a lot of languages. Nat I think would be fluent; Clint, barely scraping a C in languages (if it were graded). **

**Oh yes, please review ideas of places to go and things to do and see! It's very much appreciated! **


	4. Chapter 4

Thor suggested Ireland. It was their last night in London and after a vigorous night of parties, they were in the penthouse suite of a big hotel, with a map of the world.

"Where to next?" Natasha repeated her question. Tony closed his eyes and pointed at the map. He opened them.

"Uh, America?"

"No!" Thor boomed. "Ireland!"

"Ireland? What's in Ireland?" Clint frowned. "I can speak a bit of Irish. Like hello and goodbye. Nat?"

"I can't speak Irish!" Natasha said. "Anyone?"

"They speak English." Bruce rolled his eyes.

"I want to go Ireland." Steve said quietly. All eyes went to the super soldier cradling his Bucky bear.

"You do?"

"Yes." Steve said. "And there are some brilliant Irish Viking burial sites I thought we could visit. For Thor."

"Of course." Thor grinned. "Ireland, here we come!"

...

"Beannacht!" Clint waved at the bus driver. He frowned at him.

"What you say, lad?"

"Beannacht! Goodbye!" Clint looked at Tony. "Pay the man."

Tony gave the bus driver the money as they carried their suitcases off the bus and looked at the small hotel next to the burial grounds. "This is rumored to be haunted, you know. The hotel and the burial grounds."

"Haunted?" Natasha paled. "Ghosts don't exist." she said but she was looking worried.

"Hotel? Its more of a shack." Clint added. Natasha was looking more and more unstable so he grabbed her suitcase. "Nat doesn't like ghosts." he told the others.

"She's scared of ghosts?" Tony asked incredulously. "Black Widow is scared of ghosts?"

"I'm not scared of ghosts." Natasha scowled then muttered in Russian. Clint nodded at her.

"I know, Nat, I know."

"One of us needs to learn Russian sometime." Bruce muttered. Tony murmured in agreement and led them into the reception area.

The woman behind the desk smiled at them. "Dea-lá agus fáilte a chur roimh na reiligí Lochlannach. Fág do chuid málaí le Barry agus téigh iniúchadh."

"I understood Barry." Clint said and quickly leafed through his phrase book. "Viking was in there somewhere."

Steve gave Barry their suitcases. "I think we are meant to be exploring." he said and the woman nodded enthusiastically. Thor bounded out to the graveyard and they all followed, Natasha reluctant.

"Hey! Look at this grave!" Tony yelled across the quiet graveyard "It says Thor!"

It was two hours later and Natasha was nervously sat on a bench, watching her friends look at the graves. Thor was in his element so that was good.

"Look!" Tony yelled again and Bruce ran over, to please his best friend. "Look, Brucie, it says Thor! As in Thor! Thor did you die here?"

Thor looked up. "What else is on the grave?"

"A hammer. And some lightning." Steve went over to the grave. "This is strange."

"Why?"

"It says died in Midgard. Today. The death date is today!" Steve instantly looked for his big friend but Thor had disappeared. "THOR!" he screamed. Natasha looked at him, amused.

"He went to the toilet, Rogers, calm down."

"Oh." Steve blushed. Tony chuckled.

"This is hilarious. Thor died today."

"What?" Steve looked agitated. "He's dead?"

"Rogers, it's a joke grave." Tony pointed out and kicked the plastic grave stone. It toppled over and Natasha smirked.

"Oh!" Steve glared. "I got worried!"

"We need to go!" Clint, who had been mysteriously absent, ran from the hotel/shack. "Thor, get your ass out of the toilets!"

"What's happened?" Natasha ran with her friends to the car waiting outside the hotel.

"I accidentally seduced the woman behind the desk." Clint said awkwardly.

"Accidentally?"

"We accidentally ended up in bed together. Naked. Then her husband walked in. Her six foot, body-building husband."

"Jesus, Barton!" Tony shrieked. "Don't you check if they're married?"

"Uh well no."

A man stormed out of the hotel, glaring at them. "Which one of you slept with my wife before you escaped out of the window?" he said in a very strong Irish accent.

"Uh." Clint looked at Bruce, the most innocent-looking Avenger. "Him."

"Me?" Bruce frowned. "It wasn't me! I swear!"

"It was someone taller!" the man said and looked at Steve and Thor. "With dark hair." He looked at Clint.

"RUN!" Clint dived into the car, which was already packed with their suitcases and the others followed quickly, avoiding the wrath of the Irish man.

"AND DON'T COME BACK!" the man yelled as Natasha hastily sped down the lane. Clint looked at his friends, guiltily.

"Where to next?"

Tony muttered something then grinned. "Oh I'll book it on my phone. Right now. It'll be a surprise."

_That was their brief stay in Ireland. I will make these visits longer. they're going to MYSTERY PLACE for a week and hopefully there will be some airport/plane fun. _


	5. Chapter 5

Once they put the suitcases on the baggage bit and reached security, they were all getting annoyed about Tony keeping their destination a surprise.

"Come on, Tony. Please tell us." Bruce said.

"We'll find out when the announcements come on." Steve pointed out.

"Stark...if you don't tell us..." Natasha scowled.

"I will shoot you with an arrow." Clint said.

"STARK TELL US!" Thor yelled.

Tony smirked. "Let's just say that only two of you won't like it."

Bruce thought about it, eliminating all the possibilities then grinned. "I think I know!" Bruce announced and whispered into Tony's ear. Tony nodded.

"How did you..." Natasha scowled.

"Second smartest. After Tony." Bruce said.

...

**Security**

Tony was first through the metal detector and he smirked as it beeped.

"Sir, please step this way." the woman behind the desk said and Tony walked over to the men to be searched. They got his passport and stared at it. Then they said something, Tony laughed and he got out of the search.

Thor was next and he didn't get beeped although the woman reluctantly said his hammer was okay to be on the plane when Tony explained something to her.

Then, Bruce. He was shaking from nervousness as he passed through. It beeped once and he glanced around. "I...uh..."

"It's just your belt, sir." The woman said. "It's okay."

"Uh...thanks..okay." Bruce stammered.

Steve was next and he ran through. "I'm clear!" he cheered. Tony laughed and gave Steve a hug of congratulations since it was his first time at an airport.

Clint and Natasha went through at the same time, holding their breath. They both had multiple weapons on them but Tony has assured them that he had modified them so they wouldn't be detected. They got through although the security guards were giving them suspicious looks.

...

Finally they were in the huge corridor of shops. "Where next?" Tony steered them away from the board displaying the planes and times.

"I'm hungry." Thor said.

"You're always hungry." Tony said but they went to a bar. "I'd like a scotch. What do you guys want?"

"Uh just an orange juice for me, thanks." Bruce said.

"One of those blue cocktails." Thor grinned.

"A beer." Clint said.

"A vodka and coke." Natasha got out her gun and put it in her bag. The waiter paled. "It's okay, I'm a spy."

"It's a fake gun." Steve said quickly. "And I'd like a lemonade."

"Coming right up." the waiter said.

...

After an hour, the group were bored. Natasha and Clint had gone to buy some sunglasses and they were the ones who always heard everyone's conversations so Bruce whispered to Tony. "Hey, so..."

"Yeah. We're going there."

Steve and Thor stared at them. "Going where?"

"Damn your super hearing."

"Tell us, Tony, please."

"Captain Frozen, uh..no."

"Why not?"

"Get smart."

"That doesn't make sense."

Tony finished his third scotch. "Look, Spider and Hawk are back."

Clint sat down, sunglasses almost falling off his nose. "Hey."

"Hi." they all chorused.

Clint frowned. "You all been taken over by robots?"

"Ha. No." Bruce said and looked at Tony. "Tony, the announcements..."

"No problem." Tony got out something that looked like an iPad but was probably more scientific and technical. He tapped it a couple of times as the announcement for planes that were boarding came on.

"Please can all passengers board Plane 2407 to B-"

The speaker crackled and Tony frantically tapped the screen again.

"Sorry about the minor speaker malfunction, folks. Again can all passengers board Plane 2407 to..."

It crackled again and there was a screech. Tony grinned. "That's our plane, guys. Let's go."

Steve rolled his eyes as Tony put the screen back in his bag. They boarded the plane without any difficulty and no-one actually got stopped for an autograph or got mad at Tony.

Once in the plane, they all sat in the right-hand side seats. Tony was by one window, with Bruce next to him and Thor next to Bruce. Clint was at the window behind him with Natasha and then Steve.

...

One hour later, Tony was bored. "Hey, Bruce?" he poked his friend but Bruce just gave a sleepy grunt and fell back asleep. Thor had his earphones in, watching a romcom on his screen. Natasha and Steve were reading. Tony turned round. "Hawk?"

"Uh..what?"

"What time is it?"

"6 in the evening."

"Okay."

"You're bored aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you read?"

"What's Spider reading?"

"50 shades of grey."

"Saucy."

"Shut up, Stark."

"How long until we reach...uh...the place?"

"How am I meant to know? You refuse to even tell me where we're going. What if someone's banned from that country?"

"Unlikely, Hawk. I'll look at the countdown I put on my IronPad."

"IronPad?"

"My homemade iPad. it's modified for my every need. Also I can access JARVIS from this."

"Right."

Tony tapped away at his IronPad for a bit. "There's one hour and 26 minutes left." Tony said. Clint groaned.

"I'm having a nap."

"'Kay."

Tony looked out of the window and yawned. Maybe he should take a little nap...

...

Half an hour later, Bruce woke up to find Clint basically sat on his knee and Natasha leaning over Tony with a whiteboard pen. "What's going on?"

"We got bored." Clint said and patted Bruce's head. "What was that dream about, Banner?"

"What dream?"

"You kept muttering."

"I'm not sure. Can't remember."

"Do you always talk in your sleep? It sounded like a bad dream."

"They're always bad dreams." Bruce muttered. Natasha stopped drawing on Tony and looked at him.

"I have nightmares too." She said.

"You do?" Bruce frowned. The Black Widow had nightmares?

Clint nodded. "Yeah, she does. I always have to go to her when she wakes up during the night."

"Not always." Natasha blushed. "And I don't always have nightmares. Like a couple of times a week."

Bruce looked at Tony. He had a drawing of a spider dangling from a cobweb on his forehead and a bird flying from out of his mouth. "Very artistic."

"I know." Natasha said and her and Clint went back to their seats. Bruce shook his head and smiled.

...

They landed with a bump and Tony woke up, yelling. "Ah! Where are we?"

"I made sure that no-one knew where we were going but we've arrived."

Tony grinned. "Woo! Let's get off first!"

Once the seatbelt sign went off Tony rocketed forward and dragged his friends down the narrow aisle and out of the plane. They walked out onto a metal staircase and the group looked around in the bright light. Tony reached the bottom first and jumped up and down in excitement.

He flung his arms out. "Welcome."

"Where are we?" Clint frowned.

"My friends, welcome to Budapest."


	6. Chapter 6 : day one in Budapest

"We're in Budapest?" Clint asked.

"Tonight we live your past. Re-tracing the steps you took in the original Budapest mission, thanks to Bruce and I hacking into the SHIELD Budapest file."

"I hate you."

"I know." Tony led them to a van. "This shall be our ride."

"It's orange."

"Isn't it fabulous? This is the exact same car, give or take a few popped tyres, you drove a few years ago."

"It's ancient."

"It's vintage."

Clint rolled his eyes and followed the rest of the Avengers into the van. Thor was sat next to Tony so the others had to sit on the floor of the dusty van. Clint anticipated some bouncing around, especially with Tony's driving and no seat-belts.

"Nat drove last time!" He called to Tony.

"Oh, but shouldn't you enjoy the sights?" Tony said. Clint could hear the wicked smile in Tony's voice. The van started up and then rocketed down the road. Clint fell into Natasha and she kicked his side. That was going to be a big bruise tomorrow. Holding his aching hip, Clint stood up and grabbed onto the metal pole attached to the van ceiling. He got his feet wrapped round it and hung upside down.

"You're like a bat." Bruce said, miserably being thrown against the side of the van. Steve had managed to stay sat upright but every time the van turned a corner, he banged his head on the handle of the door. Only Natasha seemed uninjured, but she was sprawled on the floor, yawning.

Finally the van pulled to a screeching stop and Tony threw open the doors. "There was a fight at the airport at 8pm so I assume you're all suitably beaten up."

"Nat kicked me." Clint complained. She smiled innocently.

"And you practically dived on me and hurt my arm."

"My head hurts." Steve muttered.

Bruce just rubbed his arm with a scowl.

"Now the warehouse!" Tony declared. "Where drug dealers used to deal their wares before the gangs moved in. Now that Nat and Clint got rid of the gang that owned this building, it is completely safe."

That's when Tony got hit on the head by a chair.

...

Bruce woke up in the dark and he felt sore and bruised. That would be Tony's erratic and unsafe driving. "Guys?" He whispered.

"Here." Natasha said and someone patted his arm.

"Please tell me this is part of the re-enactment, Tony."

"Uh afraid not. We've experienced some minor difficulties. With Stark's mental health." Natasha said.

"What?"

"He's gone a bit crazy. Since he got hit by a chair. Where is he?"

"Here!" Tony said. Bruce's eyes had adjusted and he saw Tony crouched in a corner, looking wild.

"Hey, buddy." Bruce crawled over to him. "Now who hit you?"

"I hit myself with a chair."

"No...someone else hit you with a chair."

Tony started singing Christmas songs so Bruce decided that Tony was officially insane. Tony Stark loved Christmas. The sane Tony Stark would never sing Christmas songs any other time than December. It was wrong, Tony had told everyone. He had once confiscated Clint's bow for a week for humming _Rudolph. _

_..._

The next time Bruce woke up, it was bright and someone was telling him that they were rescued. "Whu?"

"Blame Stark. We're off to a five star hotel now for a much-needed spa day." Natasha said and dragged Bruce up. He groaned. He never was a morning person.

Tony treated them all to a massage and requested they all be in the same room so they had to listen to his constant chatter. "Let's play a game. Shall we play a game? Yes. It should be fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Clowns are meant to be funny. They're scary. Oh yes. The game. How about the Alphabet Game? We each have to say a word associated with Avengers using each letter of the alphabet. I'll start. A. Hmmm. Oh yeah! Avengers! Duh! Bruce?"

"B. Bruce." Bruce said.

"C. Captain." Steve sighed.

"D. Danger." Natasha suggested.

"I'm not playing." Clint scowled. Then, "Fine. E. Egg and chips because of that time we all went to get egg and chips after the Paris mission."

"F. Fury." Thor said.

"G. Giant Green Goblin." Tony looked at Bruce and laughed.

Bruce: Hawkeye

Steve: Ironman

Natasha: Jim. As in Janitor Jim who came into my bedroom once while I was sleeping.

Clint: King Clint. And Nat, we don't have a janitor called Jim.

Thor: Loki.

Tony: Midgard. Natasha, what did this Jim look like?

Bruce: Nick. I remember that guy with the bald head and really big ears who was obsessed with Natasha.

Steve: Odin. The one who tried to break in multiple times?

Natasha: Pepper. That's him! Oh my God. I have a stalker!

Clint: Queen Maria. It's weird how you seem pleased about that.

Thor: Red armour. For Ironman's suit.

Tony: Stevie *chuckles*

Bruce: Tony *chuckles*

Steve: Uganda when we rescued those orphans from the burning building. What a great time that was.

Natasha: Very. As in how very gay that was Steve.

Clint: Winter soldier. Sorry. Had to say it. *laughs*. That was gay, Steve. But not as gay as Tony and Bruce are for each other.

THOR: Xavier. Charles Xavier! Ha! Bet you thought I'd never get an X!

Tony: You're completely out of topic. How is Professor X about the Avengers? I mean, sure he's a cool dude and we've all met him a few times. Ah, Clint, you could have said Wolverine. Anyway that's my Y done. You're.

Bruce: Zoo. Tony.

Tony: oh no.

Natasha: what happened at the zoo?

Tony: no comment

Natasha: What happened, Banner?

Bruce: Tony got his hand stuck inbetween the bars of the penguin enclosure. He has now developed an irrational fear of penguins.

Tony: It took them two hours to get my hand out because some monkeys had escaped so apparently I wasn't a "top priority"

Clint: But you are an ape.

Tony: Hilarious, Hawk. You'd fit right into the zoo. Budapest.

Clint: No.

Tony: I think tonight, after our massages, we are going to a shit hot party at a shit hot nightclub and then we will get Nat and Clint drunk. Good plan?

Thor: Can Lady Jane join us for a day? She is near Budapest for work and she is allowed a day off.

Tony: Yeah. I want to meet this Jane anyway.

Thor: she'll be here at 7pm at my hotel room tonight. I already texted her.

Steve: Since when can you work a phone?

Tony: Can you?

Steve: Well no...

Tony: Shut up then.

**Conversation Between Thor and Jane **

**1:47pm **wold yo liek 22 come vist me +& averages AVE avengrs at mu hotle & thn gO clubbing wiv uS? *big HUGS* LOV THOR

**1:49pm **you're getting better at texting, darling. That's a plus. I understood clubbing and avengers. And Thor of course. I get the gist. I'll be at your hotel around 7pm? *big hugs back* love Jane x

**1:57pm **kk toY has Ben teaching me BOUT txt spk. EasY to tyuope. *big ksiSes & Mr huz* "ov THOR

**2:00pm **honey, please get one of your friends to get you a bigger phone or just call me. Even just leave me a voicemail? Love Jane x

_**Four new voicemail messages **_

_**10 missed calls**_

**3:19pm **after 6 attempts Thor finally managed to master voicemail. Sorry about all the missed calls (and odd texts). By the way we didn't slap Thor, he fell over a chair. It just sounds like we slapped him. Natasha definitely didn't hit him *winks*. From Clint !


	7. Chapter 7

Tony was half undressed, wearing a shirt and boxers, when someone knocked on the door. Not thinking, he opened it and Natasha immediately closed her eyes. "Please tell me I did not just see you in tight boxers." She said. Tony chuckled.

"Sorry."

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

Tony threw on some skinny jeans that he struggled to get over his legs. Hmm, maybe he needed a diet. They were thinking of India next so all that curry wouldn't do him any good. "I'm dressed. Just let me put some sneakers on."

"Sneakers?" Natasha raised an eyebrow and followed him into his room. "Do you wear sneakers to a nightclub?"

Tony shrugged and slipped into some red boots instead. "Happy?"

"Ecstatic." She replied and then gave a little spin. She was wearing a little black dress with long lacy sleeves and some knee-high black boots. "Like?"

"Love it. You look hot." Tony smirked then frowned. "Don't take a gun."

"I'm not." She said innocently.

He stared at her, disbelievingly, and she sighed. She took a gun out from a strap on her thigh. "Happy?"

"Ecstatic." He said. They walked out of the room and knocked on Bruce's hotel room door. Each room contained a bedroom with a double bed and an en suite and a living room AND a flat-screen TV. Bruce opened the door in a green shirt and black pants. He grinned at them and Natasha noticed the way he had spiked his hair slightly. The smell of hair gel was strong. "Nice hair." Tony said.

"I try." Bruce pushed his glasses up his nose and then bit his lip. "Do you think that Budapest girls are...pretty?"

Natasha rolled her eyes and knocked loudly on Clint's door. The other two came up to her as it opened and Clint and Steve came out, looking guilty.

"Ooh, what's happened here with you two?" Tony asked.

"Jealous? Don't worry I'm not shagging your boyfriend."

"I doubt anyone who'd fall for me would even look at you. I have high standards whereas you're more...anything that moves."

"I didn't see you talking about high standards the other week when you took that depressive emo girl home."

"She was smart."

"She didn't have a job because _you can't be defined by a job_."

"She didn't say that."

"Oh yeah. It was stupider."

They glared at each other for a minute until Steve awkwardly coughed and ran his hand through his hair. It was sticking up at odd angles and Natasha frowned. What _were _they doing in there? She obviously thought along Tony's line of thought then dismissed the idea.

Then a girl came walking up to Clint from inside his room. She was small and blonde with tanned skin and big eyes. "Mr Barton, I have to go now but please use our services again." She said in a Polish accent.

"Who are you?" Tony asked.

"I am Deemond, a home service streeper."

"Diamond, thank you for your services. Please go." Clint flushed and Diamond walked off. Natasha waited until she heard her enter the elevator before she hit Clint's arm.

"Clint! You hired a stripper? Steve, you went along with this?" She asked angrily.

Steve looked shifty. "I was summoned into Clint's bedroom. Then he told me that Diamond was coming and that I'd be a 'happy chappy'."

"Did you get a dance?"

"No. But she messed up my hair a lot."

"That explains that." Tony said casually and everyone started walking to the elevator. "Although I'm not still convinced that you two aren't dating."

...

Jane and Thor were outside the hotel, holding hands and kissing. Clint whistled loudly and they jumped apart, guiltily.

"Nice to meet ya, Jane, I'm Clint."

"Pleasure to meet you too." Jane shook everyone's hand then smiled at her boyfriend. "Thor here was telling me about the day you've been having. Getting kidnapped, enduring alphabet games, massages...life of a superhero sounds tough."

"It is." Tony flashed her a charming smile. Natasha had seen that trick many women into falling for him but Jane didn't even blink. She just grinned back, easily.

"I've been working on a research site near here. I'm going home tomorrow, but hopefully my job will take me closer to Thor again soon."

"I hope so too." Thor kissed her. "Jane and I are going to a romantic restaurant round the corner. I'd ask you to join us but I don't want to."

"Thor!"

Natasha laughed. "It's fine, Tony's taking us to a nightclub."

"Oh joys." Bruce muttered. "Crowds, loud noises and socializing with strangers, not to mention the immense alcohol."

"Don't be grumpy, Brucie." Tony poked his friend's arm. "It'll be fun."

...

"Your idea of fun is different from mine." Bruce yelled once inside the nightclub. Clint and Natasha had already disappeared, no doubt to the bar. Steve was keeping close to Bruce and Tony had his eye on a blonde girl dancing.

"Listen," Tony turned back to them. "I'm off to make my moves on blondie. Not you, Steve." He added as an afterthought. "You two enjoy yourselves, get some beers, chat up some chicks. You'll regret it if you don't."

Tony ran off and Bruce was left with a World War 2 super soldier awkwardly standing by his side. "Bruce?" Steve asked cautiously. "Do I have to chat up women?"

"Course not. That's just Tony being Tony. We'll just get a drink and sit over there. Anyway, we should keep an eye on Tony. You know how he gets after a few drinks."

Steve nodded and followed him to the bar.

"Two beers please." Bruce said and the bartender looked at them.

"With vodka?"

"No, just beer." Bruce frowned.

"Really? Normally everyone wants everything with vodka."

"That's the young people though. I just want beer."

"Sure I can't tempt you?"

"Just beer."

"Positive?"

"Yes."

"No vodka whatsoever?"

"Just two beers please!"

The bartender looked at the beer bottles on display. "They're all already mixed with vodka, I'm afraid."

Bruce groaned. "Two cokes then."

"Vodka?"

_This is part one and next chapter is part 2 with shot battles, bar fights and Steve getting lost. :) _


	8. Chapter 8

Steve looked at Bruce with despair as, at 1am, they couldn't find anyone. "What if they've been kidnapped?"

"Probably not." Bruce said reassuringly. He pushed through the crowd and they ended up where they had started. At the bar. The bartender saw them and moved away quickly. Steve frowned as he looked round the room then saw a familiar man dancing. "There's Tony!" He yelled triumphantly and skipped over to him just as a six-foot gangster-looking man reached him. Bruce and Steve watched in horror.

"You been flirting with my girl?" the man asked Tony.

He stopped dancing. "Um, no?"

"She tells me otherwise."

Tony scowled then put on a big grin and wrapped his arm around Bruce. "No because this is my boyfriend."

Bruce nodded then stared. "Wait, what?"

"We're very much in love and very much gay so I wouldn't flirt with your girlfriend if she was the last person on Earth. Although I'm sure she's very lovely."

"Thank you for the clear up." The man said.

"We're not dating." Bruce said loudly. "Tony!"

"You're breaking up with me?"

Steve had to say that Tony played the part well. Experience in lying, he guessed.

"Well.."

Tony dragged Bruce off and Steve decided not to follow them. He looked for Natasha and Clint but instead walked into a woman's chest. He bounced back, blinking and slightly confused. The woman looked down and smiled at him. "Oh, you're lovely aren't you?" She said in a thick Russian accent. "how about we dance?"

Steve had no choice as he was whisked away to the dance floor.

...

Natasha looked at Clint with a small smile. "You sure you want to do this?" He nodded and gulped. "Okay then. Don't say I didn't warn you." Natasha grabbed the vodka bottle and poured it into twenty shot glasses. "First one to drink ten and keep it up. No puking, Barton."

They started drinking and by the sixth one, Natasha was going into her dreamy drunk-land. Clint said something but she couldn't hear what. She needed those four more shots to clear her head. The more she drank, the more intelligent and normal she became.

Two more.

Clint was clearly struggling as the last shot touched his lips. Natasha downed her two in succession and slammed the glasses on the table. "Beat that!" She said and the crowd around them cheered. Feeling remarkably well, she stood up and immediately vomited everywhere. Clint yelped and vomited as well, the smell invading his nostrils.

Bruce appeared and hauled them over to a table in the corner where Tony was sat. "Where's Steve?" Tony yelled at them.

"I don't know! Clint and I were doing shot battles!" Natasha yelled back and sat down.

"Is that sick down Barton's shirt?" Tony said with a gleam in his eye.

"Natasha was sick too!" Clint protested and clung to the wall, swaying slightly. "I don't feel well."

Bruce pushed his glasses up his nose and ran a hand through his flattened hair. "I think he went looking for you guys and then we lost him." He said. "Has anyone seen him? Check your phones."

Tony got out his phone, turned it on and watched it buzz erratically. "Two messages and a missed call from Steve."

Clint groaned and swayed some more. "He's dead. We've lost him. It's the Hangover movie Avengers style."

"What do they say?" Bruce sat down.

Tony looked at his phone. "The first one was ten minutes ago and it says help me and the second one was five minutes ago and it says 'I'm trapped in an elevator' then there's no voice mail message. There's no elevators in this club."

"So, he's not in here?" Natasha said. "He could be anywhere in the whole of Budapest." She hit Clint's and Tony's arms at the same time. "You idiots!"

"How's it my fault?" They both said then scowled at each other.

"Clint, you scared him with that stripper and Tony, this whole thing was your idea. Budapest, the club, the drinking...he's Steve Rogers for God's sake and he's lost! Steve Rogers is-"

"Did you just say Steve Rogers?" An American voice piped up and Natasha stared at the girl by their table. She was blonde and looked cheerful; Tony smiled.

"Yes, and?"

"He was in this club like an hour ago wasn't he? Oh my God, are you the Avengers?"

"Yes. We've lost Steve, please tell us if you know who he was with!" Bruce said.

"He was with this Russian woman and her friends. They went back to a hotel, my friend overheard them talking. I don't know if he went with them. He probably did. They were really pretty."

"Steve doesn't go back to hotels with strange women." Natasha pointed out as Tony looked happy. "He doesn't go back to hotels with any women." She added. "Thanks for your help though."

"It's fine. It's a pleasure to meet you all. Especially Hawkeye." The girl said. Clint grinned at her and opened his mouth.

Bruce interrupted with a relieved smile. "Thor and Jane just called me. He phoned them up. He's in a police cell." The group ran off and Natasha dragged Clint away from the girl.

Near the entrance, Tony bumped into someone then apologised but that someone started yelling and punched him. Tony yelled back in slurred words, obviously the drink was taking its toll. Natasha sighed and tried to calm it down but Tony's nose was bleeding and the man was furious and drunk. Natasha did a quick karate chop to the other guy's stomach and when he doubled over, she got him into a headlock until he fell unconscious. This was all in five seconds and the Avengers stared at her. "Now can we go get Steve?" She said and walked out.

"She'd never want to get me so quickly." Clint muttered.

"She'd probably bribe the police station $100 to keep you overnight." Tony replied.

...

Steve was sat in a police cell with an old guy, two Russian women and a drag queen when they arrived. Thor and Jane were waiting patiently on the chairs, sipping coffee. "Hi." Steve said sheepishly. The guard eyed them all up then unlocked the door and Steve sprung out, relieved. "Do you have my passport? I need verification that I am Steve Rogers."

Tony looked nervous. "Um, no-one told me?"

"Tony! I don't want to stay in there overnight!"

"I have a plan." Tony said. "Everyone up. Act casual." He muttered. Everyone stood up and smiled at the guard. Jane held Thor's hand tightly as the guard approached.

"Passport? Stevie passport?" He asked.

"RUN!" Tony yelled and pulled Bruce with him as he ran. Natasha and Clint staggered after them. Steve, Jane and Thor looked apologetic as they followed quickly. Once outside Tony hailed a taxi and it drove away from the police station and rushed down the street. "That was a close one." He sighed.

"Why were you in there anyway, Steve?" Natasha asked.

"D'you know your rule? What happens in Budapest stays in Budapest?" Natasha nodded and Steve continued. "Let's stick to it."

_**We shall never know what happened with Steve and the Russian women. Thanks for reviewing and following this story xx**_


	9. Chapter 9

**9:02am Tony's Private Plane **

"Oh, Rhodey!" Tony called in a sing-song voice as his plane door opened and Tony bounded up the steps. "I hope you have some champagne because I have fabulous news!"

Rhodey shook his head in exasperation as the Avengers went onto the plane and got into their seats but Tony remained stood up, clutching a flask. "There's no champagne because this is a two hour flight."

"Never mind. I have coffee and vodka in my flask. Granted, it's warm vodka because I hate cold coffee but I'm sure it's just as effective." Tony nodded and took a swig from the flask. He shuddered then grinned. "Wanna hear my news?"

"If you sit down." Rhodey tried to trick his friend but Tony remained stood up. "Sure, go on then."

"We're going to Paris!" Tony announced excitedly.

"I know, Tony. I'm flying you over there."

"That's not all, although I can tell you're ecstatic and supremely surprised. about that news." Tony said and Rhodey sighed. "We're all going to find dates for a twelve-person date in Paris's hottest new restauraunt; Coco."

"We're what!" Natasha yelped and she tried to stand up but was restrained by her seatbelt. She fumbled with it for a second then obviously decided it wasn't worth the hassle to punch Tony right then.

"Oh yes, we have from 8am tomorrow morning to 8am tomorrow night to find hot dates to dine and drink with. Of course this excludes Thor because he will be our wingman. He's Skyping Jane during the dinner so she's his date." Tony finally sat down beside Bruce; the only Avenger likely not to hit him. Rhodey sighed again and went to the pilot's area to start flying the plane. It shot off with a jolt and Tony clapped his hands together in excitement. "Any questions before we start the two hour party on a plane?"

...

"Can I punch him yet?" Natasha muttered to Clint as they watched Tony prank-call everyone on the SHIELD database; he was almost through the A's.

"Not yet. Save your punches for tomorrow." He replied and she took a deep breath.

"Tomorrow can't come quick enough."


	10. Chapter 10

**9:38am Paris Saturday**

"Avengers," Tony said as they all settled down for a very Parisian breakfast of croissants and coffee at a small cafe. "Find dates. Clint and Steve will be a pair, Natasha requested to be alone so you lot couldn't mess it up-"

"I actually said so _you _can't mess it up, Stark."

"All questions and comments later when I'll ignore them. Bruce and I are a a pair and Thor will be thunder-teleporting-"

"That is not the official term." Thor said.

"He will be thunder-teleporting to where we are around Paris to check up on our statuses and I don't mean Facebook statuses, guys, I mean dating ones."

"Facebook?" Steve mouthed at Thor who just shrugged.

"Also if you need Thor's assistance just call or text him with your location and he is your wing man." Tony concluded. "Any questions or comments?"

Steve raised his hand. "What's Facebook?"

"I can't not laugh at that incredibly dorky gesture or question so I'm not answering that. Google it." he added like he usually did.

Steve nodded. There were no more questions so everyone split up and Thor stayed in the cafe to call Jane.

Clint and Steve went to this big arty museum and Clint found it absolutely boring. Snooze-ville. Couldn't wait to get out. Steve had assured him that they'd find high-class women with education and elegance there but so far, it had been full of tourists, families and people like them; lonely guys wandering round looking for those high-class women. Then Clint saw her. The lone woman with blonde hair and wearing a business suit. Aha. Eureka. The pair wandered over, Clint trying to ooze sexuality while Steve looked handsome and charming.

"Bonjour." Steve said with a wide smile. "I'm Steve, were you looking at..."

And there Steve named some painting and he delved into a discussion about the painter's techniques and some other stuff. Clint just stood there, idle, until someone tapped his shoulder. He looked round and saw a brunette with an annoyed smile. "Hi. I'm Marie."

"Clint."

"Yeah. I don't really care. Just tell your friend to back off my friend because she's just got out of a relationship. A serious relationship. And he's Captain America, right? Isn't he Mr Innocent?"

Clint nodded. "Should be. But Tony, that's Ironman, arranged this big date tonight with us all so we've got to find dates in the space of one day."

"I've got my date," Steve suddenly interrupted him and the blonde girl was smiling triumphantly.

"Marie, you can go on a date with him, right? The bird guy?"

"Hawkeye. And call me Clint," Clint told her. She shrugged. "What if I don't want to go on a date with her?"

Steve and the blonde girl looked at the pair with wide begging eyes and they both sighed and looked at each other. Marie shrugged and Clint nodded in exasperation. The things he did for his friends.

...

Bruce was thinking the same thing as he watched Tony chat up several women at once. When one got bored, he complimented her and then flirted with the group in general. Bruce was trying to distract one of the women's husband with general chit-chat but it wasn't working. "I have to get Katie and go." the man said. He led one of the women off and Tony gave up as the group disbanded. Tony went back to Bruce.

"Barton just text me. He and Captain Boring have dates."

"Oh God. What time is it?" Bruce asked.

"Half 1. We have until like 6pm when we have to go back to the hotel to get ready. Then we'll set off to the restaurant at half 7 and get there for 8." Tony recited their schedule and Bruce groaned. Tony looked at him. "Desperate times calls for desperate measures," he said and got out his phone. "Hey, Fabio, I need two girls. Yeah. Hot. For date. Nothing else."

...

Natasha was having luck with Thor introducing possible men to her. She was wearing her nicest smile and a girly lilac dress. It was only for tonight- she was sure she could pretend she was girly and be civil. Eventually she deemed a man with curly black hair called Roger suitable to be her date and he arranged to meet her at Coco. She had heard that everyone else already had dates so she went back to the hotel with Thor. He talked incessantly about Jane but she let him.

She was practicing being nice.

**8:01pm Coco **

"Mr Stark, welcome, welcome," said the manager and gave them a huge twelve person table. "As you requested."

Three people were already sat there, all next to each other. Bruce and Tony sat across from their 'dates' and Natasha sat across from Roger. Clint helped Thor skype Jane so soon they were talking away and then their dates arrived. Everyone was sat silently, apart from the already dating couple, until Tony broke the ice by giving everyone a glass of champagne. "How about we all introduce ourselves? I'll go first. I'm Tony, Ironman, and I met my date at a um ice-cream cafe?"

"I'm Crystal, Tony's date," the brunette escort said with a beaming smile.

"I'm Bruce, Hulk, and I met my date at the same cafe."

"I'm Cathy and I'm Bruce's date." A red-headed girl wearing a glitzy dress.

"I'm Steve, I'm Captain America and I met my date at an art museum where we discussed the merits of the artist's painting techniques."

"I'm Francesca, Steve's date."

"I'm Natasha and I'm Black Widow. Also I met my date at the park, thanks to Thor introducing us."

"I'm Roger and I'm Natasha's date. Obviously." He gave a nervous chuckle and Natasha fought for the smile to remain on her face. Clint glanced at her, amused, before introducing himself.

"My name is Clint, Hawkeye is my superhero name and my date is Marie. Reluctant date."

"I'm Marie, Clint's date."

Thor just looked up, smiled and Jane waved.

**10:02pm **

After two hours, Natasha was ready to kill Roger. Not literally of course although he was annoying. It was a figure of speech. He was talking about...she tuned in for a bit then blanked out again. Dinosaurs. Fascinating. Just _fascinating_. And she was pretty sure Tony and Bruce's dates were escorts, Clint and his date were occasionally talking but most of the time, she was giving Steve and Francesca the evil eye. Them two seemed the only ones getting along. Jane and Thor didn't count.

"Natasha? Are you listening, Nat?" Roger asked and she snapped back to attention.

"Sorry. Just thinking."

"What about?"

"Our trip. We're going round the world. I was wondering where to go next."

"How about Spain? I have a nice villa there," Roger said with a smile. Natasha silently groaned. She had to let him down gently. "You could come and we could call our first child Spain. Haha just kidding."

"Ha," Natasha said. To hell with gently, this guy was a psycho. He had crazy eyes.

"We'd call it Paris."

Natasha felt a flash of alarm. "Uh..."

"You're beautiful." Roger continued. Clint was frowning at them now, his date forgotten. "Marry me?"

"I'm alright, thanks."

"Why? Come to my villa. We can stay there. You'll be safe there. Happy." Roger reached out for her hands and she stood up.

"I'm not bloody interested in you, you weird asshole." She snapped and Clint cheered.

**11:11pm Hotel room **

"Make a wish," Tony gestured to the clock and everyone sighed and 'made a wish'. "Has it come true?" He asked. Natasha reached over and punched his stomach. As Tony doubled over, panting, Natasha grinned.

"Now it has."

_Ideas for where to next? There's going to be another day in Paris then off and away. _


	11. Chapter 11

**Paris 8:02am Breakfast Room**

"Morning, Spangles." Tony sat down next to Steve and Thor the next morning. Bruce followed him, carrying a book and a cup of coffee. "I have reserved an hour in our busy schedule for breakfast and for teaching you about Facebook."

Thor grinned cheerfully. "Superb, Man of Iron. I have been wondering about this fantastic Book of Faces. I tried to Google-Search it but the wireless connection-"

"That's not radio, is it?" Steve asked.

"-it was not working so I could not Google-Search it and had to ask Lady Jane. Unfortunately she had to leave before she could tell me."

Tony looked at him. Then looked at Bruce. Then looked back at Thor. "Not book of faces, Lightning. Facebook. It's a social networking site..Steve please stop raising your hand."

Steve put his hand down. "Sorry. But what's a _social networking site_?"

...

Natasha and Clint came downstairs, teasing and poking each other, then stopped as they saw a tired looking Tony start to bang his head softly against the table. Bruce looked amused, Thor was eating and Steve was looking puzzled. "You can _tag _people? Isn't that a game children play? And you said poke people. I am confused. Is it an interactive game?"

"Not a game, Sparkles." Natasha sat down. "I'm guessing this is Facebook 101?"

Bruce nodded with a small smile. "Yes. It isn't working, Tony. Why don't you admit defeat? You will never be able to teach an Asgardian god and a World War Two super soldier about Facebook."

Tony sighed as he sat up and then looked around. The cafe was quiet but they weren't the only people in. On the other side of the room, nearly hidden by the bar, sat a couple, holding hands. He felt like he recognised them...dismissing the thought he looked at his friends. "Eiffel Tower?"

"Yeah. Better than this." Clint stood up and with a doughnut in his mouth and two packets of sugar in his pockets, he walked off.

...

"Why do you have two packets of sugar in your pocket?" Natasha frowned as she followed Clint through some people. He turned and frowned back.

"How do you know that?"

She pointed to her chest. "Spy. So why do you have them?"

He pointed to himself. "Spy."

...

"Do you think caterpillars know they're going to become butterflies?" Thor asked Bruce. Bruce sighed.

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"I'm not a blooming caterpillar, Thor."

"But you're green?"

...

"Oh spangly starry fellow, oh spangly starry fellow, ain't you a delight?" Tony sang then flung his arms around Steve. Steve tried to get away but Tony had a tight grip. "We're in Paris, Steve. France! Have you ever been to Paris before? The Louvre, the uh big building over there, the Eiffel, croissants aux chocolate...and the best bit? You're here with your five best friends in the whole world. Except from the Buckster of course. But Bucky United is gone. I mean he's probably hiding in Vegas somewhere and is now a gambling addict with a new girlfriend every week. Lucky sod."

"Shut up Tony." Steve said quietly.

"Stroppy."

...

Tony checked his watch again. Where was Clint? The other avengers were waiting patiently beside him, in the queue but the archer had walked off ages ago with a wink and secretive smile. "Nat, where's your idiotic bestie?"

" Natasha to you. is an idiot. 3. Please stop referring to him as my _bestie._ 4. I don't control him. 5. He's climbing up the tower." Natasha pointed to the figure of Clint Barton climbing up the Eiffel Tower, shirtless and carrying an American flag. Tony face-palmed and Thor copied him, happy that he was getting Midgardian reactions right.

"Get down, Clint!" Bruce yelled and a guard looked up, mouth wide open. The guard started yelling things in French then the police arrived. Bruce was just thinking how much he had seen the police arrive at the tower ever since they all moved in when they started firing at Clint. "Jesus Christ!" He yelled and ran up to an officer. "Listen, he's an idiot. He doesn't know what he's doing."

The officer turned to him and hit him on the head with the gun butt. Bruce growled, his whole body tense. "That was a mistake, buddy." Steve said and the Avengers turned to watch Bruce growl and groan. "EVACUTE!" Steve shouted as the Hulk jumped up and grabbed hold of the tower. Clint screeched and hastily put the American flag up then, signalling to the group, jumped.

They watched him, confused. "I think we're meant to catch him." Natasha said as he soared closer and Hulk swing round the tower. Steve stepped forward and Clint fell into his arms. He opened his eyes and looked at Steve.

"Am I in heaven?" He asked.

"Not yet, Hawk. You jumped off the Eiffel Tower because the Green Giant was chasing you."

"Oh joys." He muttered and stood up. "What should we do about him?"

"He seems happy." Tony said and looked up at his friend, shielding his eyes from the sun. "We'll leave him until the SWAT team come, armed with baguettes and onions. Croissant, anyone?"

...

"Don't get your berets in a twist." Tony said then inspected their guns. "Hey you're welcome!" He winked and Natasha saw the Stark Industries logo on them. "If you'll just let us get our friend, calm him down, let me buy an Eiffel Tower souvenir for Pepper and we'll be off."

The Hulk landed on to ground with a thud and Tony beamed up at him. He patted the Hulk's green leg. Natasha shuddered. How he could he? "Come on, buddy."

Steve and Thor walked after them but Natasha hung behind as Clint smiled and waved at the officers. "Good luck with the flag." He said. "But America has officially claimed France. You're welcome." He bowed then sighed. "God bless America." Natasha dragged him away and once they were away from the Eiffel Tower, she turned to him suspiciously.

"Clint...why do I get the feeling that the flag might be there for a while?" She narrowed her eyes.

"God bless superglue." He replied.


	12. Chapter 12

_Rhodey's diary of incidents on his plane. _

_**5:56am: **_Natasha woke up and started to draw a moustache on Tony's face as he was sleeping. Had to physically restrain her becau

**6:01am **Natasha escaped so we had to tie her legs and arms to a chair. She threatened us.

**6:07am **I'm regretting agreeing to be their pilot for their little adventu

**6:10am **Clint sleepwalks apparently. He ate a sachet of hot chocolate powder and asked for a tea with two sugars. He asked the seat. Then he bowed and fell back asleep in the toilets.

**6:34am **Natasha escaped

**7:29am **Bruce and Steve woke up. They are both just reading. Peaceful. Calm. Natasha is annoying the other pilot

**7:31am **Thor is awake

**7:46am **now know about his dream in extreme detail

**8:22am **Clint has awoken for real and already smashed two glasses and flirted with a pilot. He also ate all the cookies.

**8:52am **Clint found this log and kept reading it out loudly. Thor is upset that I'm not interested in his dream.

**9:03am **had to make friends with Thor again.

**9:34am **Tony is awake.

**10:21am **telling embarrassing stories about Tony to ease their nervousness at shaky plane

**10:45am **Natasha suggested truth or dare

**10:46am **Bruce and Steve rejected idea of truth or dare

**10:50am **the boring one are reading

**10:53am **Tony has good blackmail on me

**10:54am **I have better blackmail on him

**11:17am **Natasha is the queen of truth or dare.

**11:19am **Thor just admits everything because he has candor. Am I using that right? I learnt it from divergent?

**11:24am **divergent book club :)

**11:32am **what the hell? Why does Tony know so much about divergent?

**11:49am **Bruce suggested lunch time. I agree.

**12:19pm **midday on the Avengers plane. I think we are lost.

**1:53pm **WE ARE LOST. WE ARE OVER SOME MOUNTAINS SOMEWHERE. WE ARE LOW ON Fuel. WE HAVE TO LAND. IF SOMEONE READS THIS, WE ARE DEAD. TELL PEPPER.

**2:02pm **RHIA IS TOYN WE SRE SLLOSTTTTTT AND DID EJAM DRUBKKKK

**2:03pm **translation by Rhodey: "this is Tony. We are lost and I am Drunk."

**2:05pm **we have found a town. We are in Russia. Natasha is yelling I AM HOME over and over again.


	13. Chapter 13

"I'm cold." Tony said as they walked across the snowy hills. There was a strong wind and even Natasha seemed affected by the coldness.

"I think my nose has frostbite," Clint told them in panic. "Will it fall off? Bruce? Will I never be able to smell bacon again?"

"You're fine, Barton." Natasha shoved him and he fell in a pile of snow. Steve stopped to help him up and Natasha sighed. "I can't believe we crashed and we're lost. I blame Stark."

"What did I do?"

"Nothing. Calm down, everyone." Bruce said quickly, knowing this could turn into a full blown domestic if he didn't calm them down.

"I love snow!" Thor announced just as a snowball hit Tony's face. Tony fell onto Steve who hit the ground heavily and accidentally knocked over Bruce. "Three in one!"

"Ughhhh." Tony groaned. "I hate snow."

...

"Hey, Stark," Natasha flung her arms around Tony and kissed him. "Challenge completed!" She yelled and Clint applauded. Bruce rolled his eyes and continued talking to Tony about science as she ran away. Thor was walking with them, listening intently to their conversation with a bewildered look on his face.

"What is hydrochloric acid, Stark and Banner?" He asked curiously. "And the periodic table..."

Steve however was in front with Rhodey, in his element about the discussion of the different wars and weapons and planes. Finally Rhodey turned round, "we should be a mile off a small town called-"

"Beardsley?" Tony asked.

Rhodey frowned. "Yeah how did you-" Tony pointed to a sign hanging over a cluster of building saying _Beardsley is Here _sand Rhodey sighed.

"Ih my navigational skills were a mile off." He admitted and led them into the town.

...

Steve hated it in Beardsley. The citizens moved quick and spoke with a thick Russian accent or didn't speak any English. Natasha translated and they were currently sat in a little empty tavern with the bartender watching them suspiciously. Natasha had insisted they sit in the very furthest corner from him so h couldn't eavesdrop.

"It's creepy here, agreed?" Clint muttered and took a sip of his beer. "Oh gross."

"Act like you like it. Act like we are grateful. Something's up and I don't want you to get killed." Natasha said. Clint's face lit up in a grin and she added, "you're entertaining." His face fell and she continued. "Anyway let's be out of here tomorrow morning. We can contact SHIELD."

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "This is our trip as friends! We don't need their help."

"Well...it would be useful." Bruce said quietly.

"Or we'd have to walk." Steve pointed out.

"Thor can carry me," Tony said stubbornly.

"Yes! I can carry brother Stark!" Thor said happily. "On my shoulders? Or what is that carrying technique called? Hog back?"

"A piggy back?" Natasha suggested with a smile. "Stark, we'll call Pepper then. And she can arrange for some transport to meet us here. A helicopter?"

"Sure." Tony got out his phone and looked at it. "Can one of you lot call her? I promised I'd call her every two days so she knows I'm not dead but I've forgot...she'll just make a fuss if I call her...especially because she's probably heard about the Paris fiasco..."

Bruce sighed and took the phone. He went outside and sat on a barrel. "Hi Pepper. It's Bruce." He said and she started saying things very quickly. He held the phone away from his ear and breathed slowly. In and out. In and out. In and-

"Bruce? Are you still there?" Pepper was saying and he put the phone back to his ear.

"Hi. Yeah. We're stuck in a town in Russia. It's called Beardsley."

"Oh." Pepper said. Then she started laughing. "I'll send a helicopter over tonight. You can be ready by-" there was a few clicks "-9pm?""

...

THREE HOURS TO GO

"I brought you some food." The surly bartender handed them a big plate of pie and chips each. Tony picked at the chips then looked up at the man.

"Do you have any scotch to wash it down?"

"I have beer."

"Six then, please," Clint ordered.

"Ah ah ah, Barton. Do you have wine?" Tony asked.

"No."

"Do you have orange juice?" Steve asked and the bartender frowned. "Uh, that's a no then?"

"No orange juice. No wine. No scotch."

"And they call this a bar," Tony muttered.

Natasha could see that the bartender was looking seriously annoyed by now. "We'll have four beers-"

"I don't want beer." Bruce said.

"Fine. Three beers. Two waters. And whatever your best drink is. Thanks." Natasha ordered and the man slouched away.

...

2 HOURS LEFT

"Where's Rhodey?" Tony slurred and slammed his bottle of vodka on the table. "This water is strong."

"That's vodka, Tony." Bruce tried to take the bottle away but Tony snatched it back.

"That's a good point." Steve looked around, alert. "Where is Rhodey?"

"Rhodey is fit." Natasha smirked. Clint booed and she twisted something on his neck. He slumped on the table, asleep.

"Rhodey is my best friend!" Thor boomed and clapped his hands together. "Rhodey! Rhodey!"

...

ONE HOUR LEFT

"Shit. Shit. Shit." Natasha swore, still half drunk, as they all looked for Rhodey in the dark town. Tony was zooming sround, using his arc reactor as a torch, Thor was carrying two bottles of vodka and swigging from both, Bruce and Steve were planning where Rhodey could be and Clint was riding a bike, singing Peppa Pig. M

"We've lost him!" Tony yelled just as a figure stepped out of the shadows.

"Prepare to die." Bucky Barnes said.

...

Rhodey had been lost for the last two hours and spent the hour before that flirting with a beautiful young lady before realising she was married. Now he turned a corner and saw Thor drop Clint in surprise. The archer rolled around a bit, groaning. Rhodey was about to say hi when he saw the dark figure he knew as the Winter Soldier glaring at them all.

"Bucky?" Steve asked. Bruce stepped back to protect Tony presumably as Tony was pretending his fingers were guns and yelling "pew pew" at everyone he 'shot'.

Natasha grabbed Clint and shoved him into the snow. He lay there, talking in circles about his bike and pigs. Thor just gawped at them all, shocked and drunk.

"Time to die." Bucky scowled.

"Prepare to die actually." Tony shook his head. "Honestly." Bucky stepped forward and grabbed the engineer's shirt then threw him to the floor. He landed with a thump beside Clint and did a half/hearted "pew".

"Bucky. Stop. These are my friends." Steve said with disapproval in his voice. Rhodey wondered whether he should hump the stranger from behind.

Nah.

"You aren't going to kill us." Natasha folded her arms. "Anyway helicopter's here."

Rhodey looked up and saw nothing. She was bluffing. Bucky didn't even move. "Jesus, are you still frozen?" Clint said from the ground. Natasha and Bruce looked tense as Bucky turned his gaze on the archer.

"No."

"Aw. Okay. Baby Buckster isn't frozen and he's mad at us for no reason. Poor Bucky. Yeah. Whatever." Tony joined in. Rhodey groaned and everyone looked at him.

"Sorry." He whispered. "Just pretend I'm not here."

"No." Bucky shook his head then ran off. The avengers all blinked at each other, startled.

"He's not even scary, Nat, what were you on about?" Clint got up. She spluttered at him.

"I...he,...we..."

"Guess what?" Tony said.

Bruce sighed. "What?"

"Spider pig. Spider pig. Does whatever spider pig does."

_Thank you all for reading and stuff! Uhhhh reviewing? Aha I forgot what it was called :) I am aware that it says Rhodey was wondering whether to HUMP Bucky from behind but it was meant to be jump and I thought it was funny so I kept it as hump. _

_You never know what goes on in rhodey's mind ;)_

_Who's excited for Avengers 2? I am! Who's been watching comic-con interviews and wishing I could go? I have!_


	14. Chapter 14

**9:23pm Tony Stark **is bored and ready to play truth or dare

**Comments**

**Phil Coulson **how's the trip so far guys? :) hope you're having a great time Steve and everyone hope you're having an okay time too

**Nick Fury **when are you back? My agents can't defeat threats as well as you lot can

**Bird** **Barton **was that a ..compliment *gasp*

**Natasha Romanoff **don't be an idiot. Director Fury, we will be back in a few months hopefully. Well certainly be back for Christmas for a week right **Tony Stark**

**Tony Stark **oh yeah. But I was thinking Xmas in the Bahamas with cocktails and palm trees and women in bikinis?

**Pepper Potts **ahem

**Tony Stark **yeah we will definitely be home for Xmas

...

"Come on in, everyone," Tony fumbled around with the key to the front door of his villa in Spain before he opened it and everyone walked inside.

"Since when have you had this villa?" Clint asked as he looked around. "I could have used this when I came here for holiday last year with my friends."

"Friends?" Natasha scoffed. "Do you mean those animalistic men who make rude references at every comment and drink until they pass out?"

"Loads of Barton's then?" Tony smirked.

"Hey, Gary got married a few months ago! He's a proper family man now!" Clint protested. "We're not even allowed to call him Gazza the Great anymore. It's just Gary."

"God help his wife," Natasha muttered. "Anyway, dibs on the biggest bedroom and as a girl, I get to be alone."

"What?" Steve looked up but she was already running up the stairs with her suitcase.

"I'll share with Bruce-" Tony said then stopped. "Where-where is Bruce?"

...

"I can't believe you _lost_ Bruce!" Natasha snapped. "The goddamn Hulk!"

"We're sorry! We've looked all over the house in case he got lost!" Tony pouted.

"I went up to my room two hours ago! You've been searching one house for two hours? A two floor house? What a bunch of idiots. Did you think to call for him?" Natasha raised her eyebrow.

"We were-we had to be quiet." Steve said, blushing.

"Why?"

"Tony said to be quiet."

Natasha glared at Tony then sighed. "BRUCE!" She yelled. There was no reply. "So he's wandering outside. So he's lost. And might Hulk out. Where's Thor?"

"Uh..." Clint looked around and Natasha growled.

"Idiots!"

...

"There's a high security search team out to look for them," Steve put down the phone as Fury hung up. Natasha rubbed her forehead in exasperation.

"They'll be fine, Tasha-" Tony began. She scowled at him. "Sorry. _Natasha. _It's Bruce who can control himself most of the time and Thor Odinson, a God. They're not going to get into danger."

"Bruce Banner who just spent three hours in a small helicopter and Thor Odinson, Pop-Tart lover and the man who thought flying pigs were real? Sure they will be fine."

"They will! Don't doubt my amazing ability of keeping the situation under control!" Tony said. "I've got waiters looking out for them."

"What?" Natasha said then shook her head. "I don't even care. Just find them!"

"How about you go to bed, Tasha?" Clint suggested gently. "And we'll look for them." She nodded and started to walk upstairs. Clint waved and smiled after her until they heard her shut the bedroom door. He turned to them, frowning. "Okay, gang. This is Mission Green Hammer. Steve, you and Tony go look for Thor."

"And what will you be doing?" Tony asked sceptically.

"I will be searching from the rooftops for Banner."

...

It was hot. Steve didn't mind admitting that. He wasn't like Tony who was refusing to take off his jacket, claiming that he was freezing, although he was sweating. Clint didn't seem to feel it as he darted down from the roof of a hotel.

"Why don't we just text message him?" Steve suggested as Clint shook his head about his search.

"I've already done that. I'm not stupid." Tony showed them his phone.

**Bruce where r u science bro because nat is worried bout u! Also seen THOR THE GUY WITH THE HAMMER MAN? Tony **

"Alright..." Steve paused. "What now?"

...

Natasha woke up to someone knocking on the door. She glanced at the alarm clock and saw that it was 3am. She groaned and went down to answer it. There was a man wearing a SHIELD uniform and a woman wearing a black dress.

"Miss Romanoff?" The woman asked.

"Yeah?"

"Your friends, Mr Stark, Mr Barton and Mr Rogers, have been arrested."

"_Again?_!" She sighed. "Do I have to bail them out? And have you found Mr Banner and Mr Odinson?"

"Yes. Kind of." The man looked sheepish. "Mr Banner was um green and was sat on the beach. And Mr Odinson was arrested for being drunk and disorderly. But he got bailed out by Mr Stark before Mr Stark then assaulted one of our police officers, yelling uh JARVIS at him."

"God. I'm going to put on a coat and then I'll come collect them."

"Thank you!" The woman sighed and they both got back in their police cars.

...

"Bruce?" Steve approached the Hulk as they all went down the beach.

"I can't believe you assaulted a police officer." Natasha muttered and Tony glared at her.

"I was drunk. He was pretending to be a robot. I thought he had kidnapped JARVIS."

"Are you crazy?"

"Nah."

"Bruce!" Steve called again. "Come on, big guy."

The Hulk looked round and stared at them. "Hulk friends here. Hulk happy."

"Yeah! Hulk go back to Banner?" Clint asked hopefully.

"Hulk like bird. Hulk like man with beard. Hulk like spider. Hulk like blonde. Where Hulk friend hammer?"

"Thor's just otherwise occupied." Tony smiled. "C'mon, Bruce."

"Kay." The Hulk wandered off and they waited for a few minutes. Bruce's voice piped up from behind a rock. "Guys?"

"Bruce!" Tony cheered and ran up to him. "Argh! You're naked!"

"That's what I was about to say before you came over here." Bruce sighed. Steve laughed. "Can I have some clothes?"

"Here have my jacket..." Tony said and there was a zipping sound. "And my pants. I don't mind just wearing underwear."

"He's used to it because he's such a man-whore." Natasha said as they came out. Bruce smiled weakly at her.

"Can we just go back to the villa?" He asked. They all set off back and Steve led the way.

_Don't worry Thor's gonna be safe and sound in bed when they get back :)_

_Please review and follow and be awesome avengers fans haha_


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